For those of you who aren't familiar with our Keith, he looks like a cross between Ken Dodd and Einstein after a stag-night in Prague, minus the Carlisle United shirt. He burns with that incandescent rage unique to the geriatric who can no longer make it to the toilet by himself but is refusing to give up the fight and just wet himself.
This week he's levelled his rusting elephant gun at Gordon Brown's plans to make more immigrants British citizens proper. The horror!
He begins on the lament that the Home Office is "not kicking out more foreigners but giving them all UK passports. Except that there is no such thing nowadays, is there? It will have to be a maroon European passport"
Now I may be a pulp-brained member of "Generation Y" with a memory ravaged by television and hallucinogenic drugs, but surely that battle's already been lost. Moaning about the passing of the blue British passport is like mourning the fact we no longer shell European capitals for giving one of our sacred citizens a parking ticket. But fear not, Keith's only getting started...
...he then tells us we have to "Earn our citizenship" and luckily for all you lost souls he not short on pearls of wisdom. "It is not enough" he wails through a mouthful of pureed broad beans "to eat a traditional Chinese or Indian every night or end every sentence with the expression 'Innit?'."
I'm not convinced anyone in Britain thinks that would suffice but that's our Keith, inclusive to the last, clearing things up for those Mail readers who've never been North of the Watford gap.
Keith then drops the bombshell of what DOES make you British, and it 'aint pretty. "What you've got to be really good at is being sorry."
Flood gates open? Check.
Post-imperial angst cascading out of them? Check.
Nostalgia for a golden age that never really existed following close behind? Check. Check.
So here's a big apology to anyone who thought this story might go in a new direction. After reaching out to the 'yoof' with his tales of blue passports and the word 'innit' Keith is back on script; hopelessly railing against our loss of international prowess; blaming the immigrants and young for everything; cursing our timid nature in the face of the emerging world. And it's all conveniently contained in one paragraph (Thanks Keith).
"Americans are the politest nation on earth, but when it comes to apologising they think they can get away with "Excuse me, sir". Not good enough. As for the Japs, bow they ever so lowly, we can out-grovel them any day of the week."
Are you really still allowed to say 'Japs' in a column for a national newspaper? Yes it's slightly self-depreciating in context, but you can't help but get the feeling you can take the boy out of the River Kwai but you can't... well.... you know what I mean.
So Keith, I suggest you tuck that tartan blanket round your legs a bit more tightly, blow on your tea a bit harder and keep that bladder clenched tight, I'm sure the nurse will be here soon, and do you know what? Chances are she won’t have British passport, though she probably deserves more than a few natives I could name.
Read Keith's article here
ALSO THIS WEEK...
...Richard Littlejohn thinks up some more hilarious puns about all the red tape in Britain today and creates personifications of civil service bumbling with silly cartoons to match. Where does this man get his inspiration from?...
...Amanda Platell acts outraged about something that affects people she couldn't really care less about and never ever has to meet...
...So does Melanie Phillips.
